It's DC Universe's New Column: Ask Dr. Harley Quinn!

Harleen Quinzel

Harleen Quinzel

March 4, 2020


Hey there, puddins! Ever wonder how ta get that crush a’yers ta notice ya? Or how ta get yer folks off yer back? Or how ta make the best breakfast sammich ever?! Harley Quinn here to give you all the AMAZIN’ advice y’been searchin’ for all yer dumbass lives – with the help of my good pals (and the writers of my bestselling comic book) Amanda Conner and Jimmy Palmiotti! So go ahead an’ spill all a’ yer troubles in my ongoing Community thread, and maybe I’ll answer YOUR question next in this weekly column. Now let’s see what folks are askin’ this week…





Dr. Quinzel,


I have insomnia more insane than your ex. I’ve heard every trick in the book & nothing works. If anyone has a trick I haven’t heard, it’s gotta be you. Can you let me in on the secret?


Sleepless in Akron, 





Hey Capo-mage,


You are not alone. I sometimes have the same problem, so I can give ya some of the things ta’ do and maybe you can give ‘em a try and let me know how they worked for ya.


First thing you gotta do is wear comfortable PJ’s. I like the ones with the flap in the back so I can do my business without too much fuss. Before getting into your slumber gear though, try yer best to keep to a steady schedule… you know, same time eating dinner, say no to late night sugar fixes, schedule your slumber time consistently as best you can and so on. I do this to give my fabulous curvaceous bod some regularity an’ cut down on the wild sugar-induced dreams.


I also make it a point to put the phones and iPads and glowing things away and snuggle with my Beaver while reading a book, or doing a crossword. Something to take my brain to other places.  Now, none of this will matter unless you slow things down and take a good look at the problems you may be dealing with…you know, bring them into the light and maybe discuss them with family or friends till they start to either make sense or you feel heard. Taking these thoughts into the light is the best way to clear that ol’ noggin’ of yours and prepare it for a night of blissful log-sawing slumber.


Hope that helps.






Hi, Harley Quinn,


I have two questions for you. First Question: How do I become the cool Dad my kids can be proud of?


Question two: What does a fish say when it hits a cement wall? (could this be a Dad joke)


Thank you for your time and responding to my questions.





Okay, Jsmsiggy,


Just the idea that yer coming here ta’ little ol’ me for this shows yer a caring and lovin’ dad already, and maybe wanting to be cool is something that happens along the way and not something ya can force. I’d suggest what I tell everyone to do, and that’s to be a better listener to your little monsters and don’t try ta’ fix everything all the time. There are special times when your kids need you to be the adult and listen to them. I know this is hard to do since I’m a problem solver by nature, but I’ve learned this the hard way.


As far as what does a fish say when it hits a cement wall? Well, I think this question is better aimed at that bodacious fish fella from under the sea, Aquaman. I just gave him a call and he told me that he’s heard the joke 400 times and still doesn’t think it’s funny, then hung up. Damn, that guy can be a real crab!






Hello, Dr. Quinn!


What’s the best way to impress someone? Thanks for your time.





I like ta’ impress those around me by doing spectacular things like winning a roller derby or hanging with my Gang of Harleys and hittin’ a soup kitchen to give ’em a hand. Now, if you have to dig deep, I’d say there are a few easy things you can do that have everything to do with yer integrity. This said, I impress the people around me by being my generous self and always staying optimistic. I also have a real open mind to new ideas and experiences, and I’m a good listener as you can tell by my responses here on this site. My best advice is to always stay authentic and be kind to those around you, especially our animal friends because they deserve special attention. In the end, be the person you would look up to, and have empathy for those around you having a hard time in life. Last, I would wear some fancy nightclub colors, wear a string of holiday lights around yer neck and learn to dance while swinging a wooden mallet, but that’s just me.






Dr. Harley Quinn,


Big fan. You’ve been in DC comics for over two decades. Congrats. I’m a writer. Do you know how to get an audience with DC?





It’s easier to get an audience with the Pope at this point. What I did once was plan an elaborate kidnapping of one of the editor’s assistants while they were leaving their office an’ held ‘em ransom in my local butcher store basement till they gave me some work. Sadly, this backfired and I got banned for life from ever working for them, so honestly, I have no idea how to get work as a writer for DC. Maybe write a series of internationally successful bestselling novels and be so famous they can’t say no to ya’. That humdinger of a guy Joe Hill did that and they gave him his own line of comics. If that doesn’t work, maybe do your best at practicing your writing, publish some creator-owned comics, gain a following and go to a comic convention and give your resume and books to an editor. One of these things gotta’ work. I wish ya luck.






Hey Doc,


I’m a stay at home dad, with a side gig of intergalactic crime lord. Between taking care of my son and all the crimmin, I’m struggling to find time to wash my under the table space booty as well as other administrative tasks.


In your experience, what are the pros and cons of outsourcing these types of functions to freelance parademons?





Hey lazy,


First: gross.


Second, wipe yer own butt, ya lazy good fer nuthin’. Payin’ fer others to do your “dirty” work is just sad and pathetic. I have no idea how you became intergalactic with this attitude.


Hope that helps. Smell ya later.






Dr. Quinn


Here’s one you might relate to; I have trouble leading a productive life when I keep getting sent to the psychiatric facilities (mainly depression). Do you have any advice on how I can get the most out of my life until I’m considered, “well?”





Depression’s a tough one and something that requires a lot more time, strength, and consultation, as you already know. I have had this same problem and found fer me that reaching out and staying connected to those around me is a very important first step. I can only speak fer myself when I say I keep to a healthy diet, exercise as much as possible, and try to process things in my head, keeping away from “all-or-nothing” thinking and stay grounded when looking at the things going on around me. Professional help is important and I suggest to stay on course and try ta’ focus on the things an’ people that make ya’ feel good each day, making sure that ya make time to let these things become a part of your day-ta-day existence. I wish you the best of luck and you are not alone!







Note: The opinions expressed by Harley Quinn are published for entertainment purposes only, and are not intended as a substitute for professional advice. Please consult a qualified professional for your specific needs or concerns.