HENCH: The New App to Guide Goons to the Best Crime Boss

Alex Jaffe

Alex Jaffe

Jan. 11, 2020


Have you ever wondered what Gotham City’s henchmen think about their bosses? Or how gangsters breaking into the business decide which of Gotham’s maniacs to work for? Well, DC Universe is proud to present an exclusive, never-before-seen look into a Super-Villain employer review app created by henchmen, for henchmen to dish on their bosses and give up-and-coming criminal cannon fodder the guidance they need. We managed to dig up 13 reviews written by a user who will remain anonymous for their own safety, complete with star ratings, pros, and cons. Take a look, and find out who you’d work for to start your own life of crime.







So you’re a real wise guy, eh? Proud of your ability to solve a crossword or a Rubik's cube in under a minute? Feel like your genius is unappreciated in your age? Well: this ISN’T the gig for you. Riddler won't shut up about how everyone under him is an idiot, but don't get the wrong idea: he loves it that way.




* Great pay. Sometimes it seems like Riddler’s got all the money he needs, and he’s just doing this for kicks.

* Boss assumes you’re a moron, so instructions are surprisingly clear and precise.




* Constantly insulting you. Doesn't matter if you do the job perfectly, he's never gonna be happy with it.

* Pretty likely to get punched in the face by Batman while in the middle of doing some real Weird Nonsense.

* Honestly just kinda demeaning.


Great for: Sycophants and simpletons. Sucking up goes a long way here.


Avoid if: You're smart enough to threaten his ego.







Are you a gambler? Do you like to live life on the edge? Maybe your guilty conscience demands you throw in some charity work to balance your life of crime. If that sounds like you, then Two-Face is your guy(s).




* Good pay, with bonus pay for twins or double acts.

* Harvey will pay for medical care and compensation if you're injured fighting the Bat and the good head comes up.




* Every damn thing depends on the flip of that coin. And it seems like the results always come at the worst time. Bad head comes up? Sorry, “You've failed me for the last time.” Take two bullets to the head. Good head comes up? Sorry, boys, but instead of robbing this bank, we're volunteering at a soup kitchen! Cut me a break here.

* Honestly kinda confusing figuring out when to call him “Two-Face” or “Mr. Dent.”


Great for: Gamblers and twins.


Avoid if: You like better odds than 50/50.







You looking for the best run operation in town? Steady, well paying work with a touch of class? The Iceberg Lounge is your place, if you don’t mind the owner.




* Excellent pay, thanks to the casino bankroll.

* 50% off food and drinks at the Iceberg Lounge.

* Health insurance with dental and vision.




* The boss makes you buy your weapons from him anytime you need an upgrade. Yeah, there's a discount, but still.

* Ambition is NOT rewarded. The Penguin is real paranoid about possible competition, especially after the Emperor Penguin thing.

* Screw up a job and the boss might dock your pay or even ice you. But if he thinks you’ve personally slighted him in any way? He will have you brought.


Great for: Anyone who can mind their manners and their place.


Avoid if: You've got a family you care about and you can't keep a straight face around a shrimpy little bird guy.







When did every criminal in Gotham get a gimmick? Two-Face, Penguin, Joker, Riddler, Black Mask... seems like everywhere you turn, there's some new freak with a codename trying to take over the city. Isn't there room in this city anymore for a guy to just steal stuff without having to send Batman a letter about it? Well, there is, and his name is Carmine Falcone.




* Good pay

* Steady work

* No-nonsense, very traditional




* No-nonsense, very traditional (Why even be a Gotham crook if you can’t have fun?)

* More of a career than a gig... join up, and you're a part of the family, whether you wanna be or not.


Great for: Henchmen who'd rather work for a boss than a Super-Villain.


Avoid if: You're not Italian. (Oh, did I forget to mention that?)







You're a criminal, and you got no pretensions about it. You love the money, the power, and the respect, and hell, you don't mind getting your hands dirty along the way, neither. Welcome home. But be real careful, 'cause there ain't no reward without a little risk...




* Good pay

* No one messes with you

* Rewards for a mean streak

* Aside from the masks, it's a pretty normal gig, and those are real practical




* Black Mask has a real nasty temper.

* Fail, and you'll probably be tortured to death.

* If you're in the room when someone gives the boss bad news, he makes you stand there while he punches you in the face?


Great for: Career criminals and general vicious SOBs.


Avoid if: You're squeamish or you can't get the job done







Are you just in this because you got bills to pay, and mouths to feed? You’re looking for a steady gig with steady pay, but you don't wanna be a real crook, right? We’ve all heard it. But you'll fit right in with Red Hood. Just be sure you're ready for a boss with “Rules,” because if you break ‘em, you're screwed.




* Great pay

* Lowest likelihood of getting straight-up iced by the boss because you screwed up a job

* Lowest likelihood of getting punched in the face by Batman. I mean, unless they're on the outs again this week.

* Head protection as a part of the uniform.

* Getting to feel like you're better than everyone else while still, y'know, doing crime




* Highest likelihood of getting straight-up iced by the boss because you fell short of his "moral standards"

* I mean, geeze, I get it, 'no kids and no bystanders,’ sure. But he was like 17, how does that even count? He came to ME, man!

* Come on, how you gonna be all "high and mighty" and micromanage every little thing when half the time you're not even in Gotham, because you're halfway across the world with your drinking buddies doing some weird Lazarus magic sword bull$#@! anyway?

* Look, we all know this guy used to be Robin, right? That whole 'Mystery of the Red Hood' stuff was cute while it lasted but that cat's been out of the bag for forever.


Great for: You don't wanna be no crook, you're just trying to survive.


Avoid if: You didn't become a criminal just to follow some guy's moral code all the damn time. Also, if you have ever so much as seriously thought about possibly working for the Joker.







Life's a joke, and death's the punchline. And expect a lot of punchlines if you're crazy enough to work for the big J.




* No one messes with you

* Never boring

* Great dental




* Never boring

* You need the dental, because Batman is always punching your teeth out

* Most other gangs won't hire ex-Jokers, so I hope you like your career choices

* The boss will eventually kill you for failing him. Or because you upstaged him. Or because it distracts Batman. Or because he thought it would be funny. Or because it's Wednesday.


Great for: True believers and fanatics. But I don't gotta tell you that, because if you worship the ground the Joker walks on, you're not gonna listen to me anyway.


Avoid if: You're not a %$#@ing lunatic







Are you the kind of guy who won't shut up about "the Man"? Do you want to strike back at those one-percenters who keep you down? Do you want to personally punch Bruce Wayne in his smug face? Then it's time for a little Anarky.




* Extremely cathartic

* Makes you feel like you're a part of a movement, not just a gang




* The boss is real preachy

* And stingy, too. He's all "money is a social construct invented by capitalists to oppress proletariat" and "be self reliant, break the chains that bind you!" Like that's great, buddy, but I got rent due in a week.


Great for: You don't just have a rap sheet: you have a manifesto.


Avoid if: You don't just have a rap sheet: you have bills.







Remember how I said earlier that smart guys should avoid Riddler? Well, here's where you wanna be. Clock King runs the tightest ship in town, and if you can keep up, the reward is generous.




* Solid pay

* Professional operation that runs like clockwork. The boss knows his stuff and how to manage.

* Skill is rewarded. Promotions are about performance, not favoritism. Do well, and you'll go far.

* Low failure rates




* No risk, smaller reward... Clock King doesn't believe in taking chances, and if that means passing on risky high-paying jobs, then that's what it means.

* I'm not gonna sugar-coat it: this is the highest-pressure gig in the business. One second too early or late, or one screw-up, and you're the asshole who's brought down the entire plan.


Great for: High achievers who like safe, steady work


Avoid if: You're not afraid to take chances and fly by the seat of your pants







Do you hate Batman? Not just the way that we all hate Batman, I mean, do you really hate Batman? Do you eat, sleep and breathe his downfall? Will you do anything it takes just to be even a part of finally breaking the Bat? Then Bane is the man with the plan.




* Great on-site gym

* You ever wanted to try Venom? Now's your chance! That stuff will @#$% you up.

* The boss is actually way smarter than he looks




* Jobs are more focused around breaking Batman and less focused around making money

* Batman keeps winning anyway


Great for: When you really, really hate Batman


Avoid if: You hate Batman, but you also want to get paid







Most Gotham toughs like to have fun. But maybe for you, that’s the main reason you’re in it. And maybe you like the camaraderie, and have ideas about your Criminal Family being a Criminal Family. It may be time to rev up your Harley.




* Probably the most fun of any gig in Gotham

* Tight-knit gang, great boss. Harley always stocks the safehouse with everyone's favorite snacks and brings in a cake on your birthday. A real cake, not a weird exploding Joker gag cake.

* Poison Ivy’s running with her crew these days. And even if she's not your type, that's powerful backup.

* One of the only bosses in town who'll hire ex-Jokers.




* Low pay. Sure, Harley gives everyone an even cut on all the jobs, but that's a whole $0 dollars when today's job is "become a roller derby team."

* Boss spends half her time in Belle Reve running with some weird task force? I have no idea how she has time for any of this

* You know what it's like when a couple gets divorced and spends all their time fighting over the kids? Only one of them's a homicidal maniac who'll blow the kids up for a laugh, and the other's some wacky chick with a giant mallet? Because that's what it's like being in Harley's gang. Sure, mom gives you all your favorite foods, but there's a pretty good chance dad's gonna shoot up your safehouse if you get caught between them.


Great for: People looking to quit Joker's gang, fun-seekers


Avoid if: You're looking to make money, or you're worried about being collateral in Gotham's messiest divorce.







Are you a little light on cash this holiday season? Need a bit extra for that special someone? Calendar Man is hiring.




* Holiday pay

* Boss will hire just about anyone, just show up and get paid




* Type of work varies wildly, and some of it's nastier than others. (Pro tip: avoid Mother's and Father's Day gigs)

* No opportunities for long term advancement


Great for: Anyone looking for a bit of seasonal work.


Avoid if: You just want a freaking holiday for once in your life.







Hell yeah.



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