Ask Dr. Harley Quinn: What's the Best Way to Put Ketchup on My French Fries?

Harleen Quinzel

Harleen Quinzel

May 22, 2020


Hey there, puddins! Ever wonder how ta get that crush a’yers ta notice ya? Or how ta get yer folks off yer back? Or how ta make the best breakfast sammich ever?! Harley Quinn here to give you all the AMAZIN’ advice y’been searchin’ for all yer dumbass lives – with the help of my good pals (and the writers of my bestselling comic book) Amanda Conner and Jimmy Palmiotti! Now let’s see what folks are askin’ this week…


Editor's Note: This week's column marks the final installment of "Ask Dr. Harley Quinn." We here at DC Universe would like to express our deepest possible gratitude to Jimmy Palmiotti, to Amanda Conner, and to Dr. Quinn herself for providing us with some of the best advice we could hope for during one of the craziest periods in recent history. Vive la Harlequin!   




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Friends forever is a Point of View type of thing. If you never speak to them ever again, then you can say they are, and it wouldn’t be a lie, unless you actually speak to them at some point and they tell you differently. My advice is pick out your two favorites, the people you are most interested with or have the most in common and try reconnecting. Reach out in a message or call and say hi and take it from there. The thing about all of this is it’s great to have a lot of friends, but it’s also nice to have a couple that you consider more than friends…for me, that is family. Now stop ghosting them and put yourself out there.






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She sounds like my kind of woman. I like women that can keep count, but that can work to your disadvantage if you are too quick on the draw with her. Communication issues are usually caused by one or both parties not letting the other speak or to put it another way, someone is not listening. I would slow it all down and take a good look at the times where the communication is not great and dig deep to what is really going in in that moment. Frustration and confusion turn into anger in a flash, so be patient with each other and the love can smooth this stuff over pretty easy. No relationship is good all the time…not even with the best of us in the best of times and to expect that constantly is setting yourself up for a fall. Over time with love and respect, we learn to understand each other’s faults and know how to cover for each other along the way. Always be kind, have integrity and learn how to listen to her. Things will be fine and as you speak and share more, the fear behind these arguments will start becoming less and less important.


Oh, and get her a really nice gift for her birthday, because her taking you to see my movie is just about the greatest gift you could give anyone, except for my 3 omnibuses, available now!






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Carbon, I wish you the happiest of birthdays! Wish I could be with you so I could buy you the biggest ice cream birthday cake and you could watch me eat it! It is a lovely spectacle for sure. I eat the cake while I sit on the toilet. Saves the trouble of getting up, you know?








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I have these two hack writers, Amanda Conner and Jimmy Palmiotti that run around like chickens without a head and take care of a lot of business for me, like feeding my animals, cleaning my Coney Island apartment, washing my clothing, taking Redtool out for a walk and so on. Without those two knuckle heads, I would simple only appear in my own book monthly, but since I am a money generator, and they are taking care of stuff for me, I can be a guest start in just about every single comic they put out, have my own cartoon series and star in movies about me. Isn’t life grand?






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I too am sad to end this column, but they ran out of money to pay me…and I don’t do a thing without the bling.


Now, as far as the older parents go, this one is easy. They must have interests besides filling a diaper and complaining about the price of pork chops, so it’s up to you to see what these things are and maybe spark some interest for them. As well, you could offer to take them places- get the dinosaurs out of the house back into the world. To do this you have to focus and dig deep and get to know them more. Ask them at dinner what they always dreamed of doing or what cool places they want to visit and go from there. Remember, they are all just kids in older bodies, and just like you. Their hopes and dreams still exist, so you gotta rip them out and get them working. Try working it small, board games, puzzles, walks to the park and thn keep pushing them more and more.





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Well, you should not tell him ta’ shut up- that never works an’ only escalates things. I like to introduce another subject into the conversation or point to something and ask a distracting question like “ Why are that guys inside out” or “ did you ever put something like that up yer butt” and so on. As well, you can gently remind them you already know all about what he is talking about and again, move the conversation elsewhere. I had that problem with Big tony talking about which is the best pizza in Brooklyn and he would go on and on about this till I finally threw up in his lap… and you know what I threw up? You got it, pizza! Meat lovers Pizza with the works. It looked like a dog exploded and was turned inside out. So gross.   


Oh! I got it! Maybe throw up some Trilobites and then tell him they make you sick. God, I’m on fire with the answers tonight!







Nessca, this is the best question ever and will help many people out, so thank you in advance. Now…pour the ketchup on top, then make a pile of ketchup on the side that you can dip the fry into for maximum coverage. As well, make sure you salt the hell out of them after, so the salt sticks to the ketchup. After that, sit back and wait for the ambulance to come and start your heart again so you can go get seconds.






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I read my old comics. Re-bag them. Backing board them. Then…I buy some comics online from comic shops and wait for them to be delivered and repeat the process. I hate that they are delayed, but all will be forgiven when they are back in my lovely, sweaty little paws.






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Probably find another job. I know that’s what I am doing tomorrow.







Note: The opinions expressed by Harley Quinn are published for entertainment purposes only, and are not intended as a substitute for professional advice. Please consult a qualified professional for your specific needs or concerns.