Hey there, puddins! Ever wonder how ta get that crush a’yers ta notice ya? Or how ta get yer folks off yer back? Or how ta make the best breakfast sammich ever?! Harley Quinn here to give you all the AMAZIN’ advice y’been searchin’ for all yer dumbass lives – with the help of my good pals (and the writers of my bestselling comic book) Amanda Conner and Jimmy Palmiotti! So go ahead an’ spill all a’ yer troubles in my ongoing Community thread, and maybe I’ll answer YOUR question next in this weekly column. Now let’s see what folks are askin’ this week…
AGENT OF CHAOS
BlindeLobo, Embrace is such a nice and caring word, funny you use it when talkin’ about chaos, but it’s fittin’ fer sure. Chaos is constant on some level in the world we live in, so tryin’ ta control it is anyone’s first mistake. For me, it’s a focus issue. I advise you take a break from things …it’s a good way to begin. Give yourself some alone time [ not what you are thinking, pervert! ] and bring your attention to the things actually happening around you, and not the “what if” stuff that causes panic. Try to envision the outcome of what you want to happen and break down how to get to it. Its work for sure, but ya really gotta slow things down an’ stay in the moment. For me, when there is chaos, I take full advantage of everyone around me and do what I like, but I’m a terrible example in this category to follow. I’m at home in the heart of the bee’s nest, ya know?
People do crazy things to maintain those rent control gems. I had a buddy whose super old grandma had a rent control apartment on the upper west side of Gotham and when she died, he didn’t tell anyone and had her body removed in the middle of the night, and to this day, the building thinks the mom is living there with the son. So yeah, I get it. Sneaky, right?
Now, ya mention that ya want outta the place yer in, then best bet is to start with a plan and then let her know why you are moving out without putting the blame on anyone. Let her know that you just need to move on. Be clear, have empathy, and be direct. Keep calm and have integrity with whatever you choose to do. It is never easy, but we all have to move on at some point. It’s a good sign you have enough sense to ask a professional like me. It will all work out, hpopefully.
GOTTA MOVE ON
Patterson, Ya give up and move on! How much air ya waste on someone is up to you, but I know I’m only on this planet for a limited time, and trying to turn a clueless person around is just too much work for me. Spend ya’ time with those willing to listen. Kick the rest ta the curb!
Yes, no one wants to be a passenger in a car of a driver that panics, so yeah, not a good thing. I find my happy place when I feel that sensation coming along. Everyone has a happy place…mine is on the beach with a certain red haired beauty that loves plants, but yours might be totally different. Stay cool and calm and take one day at a time.
FREE RANGE RUDE
Are your neighbor’s pizza and hot dogs? If so, go right ahead and eat the hell out of them. If they are people, well, you might wanna think twice since it’s not good for you. Eating another humans brain can cause Karu, a disease just like mad cow. Ya go friggin’ crazy and bark at half-moons! Don’t do it…you know, till ya have to. And to answer the second part, none of yer business what anyone I know tastes like. What’s yer mom taste like? See how that’s rude?
PLEASED TO MEAT YOU
Who doesn’t love Spaghetti? I think it’s a crime against humanity if you don’t, but about the meatballs…Freud would say “pass me those meatballs, ya goofy bastard!” Nothing I love more than having a couple of those beauties in my mouth!
I have no idea what Olive Garden would say about any of this, but they would probably bat those meatballs around the place with their endless friggin’ breadsticks. My buddy Frank loves Olive Garden, has a table there in his name even, and told me to tell you to eat your meatballs and stop yer cryin ya big baby!
TOILET PAPER CHASE
No. Get up at 7 am like the rest of us to get to the store to get yer own 12 pack of wipes. Stop bothering people on the internet with yer beggin’!
Till you get it, shower yer south side after you poop or maybe wipe with some back issues of non- DC Comics. You know which ones…
SERIOUSLY, JUST KEEP CALM
Hey, we’re all scared of things we cannot control, but we CAN take control of how we deal with things and work from there. Try to surround yourself with people that relax you and not those hairy chaos monkeys that have nothing better to do than stir the pot and throw feces. Your anger, from the sound of it, originates with yer frustration an’ anxiety over what is going on and how others are reacting and more importantly not reacting like you want them to. The core of it being the overestimation of the threat we’re all facing and the underestimation of your ability to deal with the things that scare you. There are good people out there and you need to maybe focus a tighter aim on those people and ignore the negative. Mute the undesirable energy best you can. As far as getting rid of that rage, try communicating and take a reappraisal of the situation. For me, I distract myself with cooking, playing a game, throwing water balloons off the roof and so on. let it all cool down by focusing somewhere else, ya’ know? My buddy Big Tony sees this happen ta me a lot so he takes me for a swim in Coney then we go to Natemans and chow down some wieners. Stuff like that helps. Chowing wieners. Hope things get better for you, mattie.