Ask Dr. Harley Quinn: How Do I Handle All This Hand Washing?

Harleen Quinzel

Harleen Quinzel

April 2, 2020


Hey there, puddins! Ever wonder how ta get that crush a’yers ta notice ya? Or how ta get yer folks off yer back? Or how ta make the best breakfast sammich ever?! Harley Quinn here to give you all the AMAZIN’ advice y’been searchin’ for all yer dumbass lives – with the help of my good pals (and the writers of my bestselling comic book) Amanda Conner and Jimmy Palmiotti! So go ahead an’ spill all a’ yer troubles in my ongoing Community thread, and maybe I’ll answer YOUR question next in this weekly column. Now let’s see what folks are askin’ this week…






You might have made a crappy choice when pickin’ soap. You sound like ya got a sensitive side to ya, so look fer soap that has natural ingredients and not too many chemicals. It may cost more, but hurt you less.


I can totally relate. I hate when my party parts itch. A lot of us can relate. If that don’t work, try some aloe or moisturizer after ya wash.






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I asked my girlfriend Ivy this question and she told me when they have something ta’ say, you won’t be able to get them t0 shut up, so feel blessed they ain’t talking yet. I think she may be pulling my leg with that answer. Look, I think we all have a super power somewhere deep inside us and although yours sounds completely useless to your friends, one day the humans will be extinct and plants will rule the earth and your power will really come in handy. Well, if you are still alive, that is.






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I have writers that know better than ta off me. Honestly, I don’t know if you know this or not, but I bring in a hell of a lot of revenue outside my comic books. Tee-shirts, statues, toys, sheets, clothing lines, cosplay costumes, Jewelry, hats, shoes, skates and so on. I’m a licensing bonanza! Last I looked Ferro Lad, I saw you on some lame t-shirt from the 70’s, so maybe that’s why they keep killing you off and bringing ya back to try again. Sorry it isn’t working, but you really need some excellent writers to re-invent you and make you popular. It really doesn’t help that you have suck a lame-o superhero name. Who in hell calls anyone “lad” anymore. That’s ridiculous.






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Man of steel! You’re on the path ta’ dealing with it just by talking about the things that are bothering you with friends and family. Good for you! If you still feel like these memories are a problem for you, I would suggest you look into professional help. Talk ta’ someone that talks for a living, like I do sometimes. We all feel a bit alienated at times, but it does not have to rule your life. Take your darkness into the light and watch them go away. It is a process, but you can do it. Hang in there, baby.






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First, my show is animated by a bunch of artists that get pennies on the dollar and writers that have nothing else going on in their lives other than write about silly little me, so the show was approved way before the last episode was aired. It cost less to make a season of my adventures then the cost of the food truck on the Doom Patrol set. Honestly, you guys eat like someone’s going to take it away from you.


Okay, now the real reason…I am famous. People know who the hell I am and other than a fist full of comic book fans, nobody knows who the Doom Patrol is. Seriously. Walk up to someone on the street and ask them who is more famous…and with that fame comes instant success and a season two, and more than likely a season 3-4-5 and 6. I also cheated on my cartoon and put about every single supervillain DC has into my show as supporting characters and ever took my ass out of Brooklyn and put myself in Gotham to make writing this thing that much more familiar. It’s a no brainer. I am brilliant.


That all said I love the show, seriously,  so I will talk to my people, okay?






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I don’t watch the news on TV because there are so many good shows on, who has time for reality, am I right? But, if I do need information, I tend to read and look at the sources of my news, as well as the people talking about it. I stay away from politicians as a rule, as you may already know, if you’ve been reading my series.  Remember the problem I had with the ex-mayor of NYC? That was a disaster.


Some news is agenda driven, so I tend to rely on the experts. The scientists laying out the facts and sharin’ the latest information is a good start and if you hear anything that sounds off- just go on to your computer and track down a couple of sources. In between a lot of it is the truth. Trust yourself to make good choices, don’t wait for others to tell you.


Oh, and I am always right, if you were wonderin’. It’s what drove my silly clown ex so crazy. He just couldn’t handle me and my righteousness.





Note: The opinions expressed by Harley Quinn are published for entertainment purposes only, and are not intended as a substitute for professional advice. Please consult a qualified professional for your specific needs or concerns.